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Your Life Will Probably Suck: A Piece That Will Change Nothing About It by Kenshin Jones

Just to make it perfectly clear: this is not a self-help piece. There are no phrases here to inspire readers to succeed through buying my books, no feel-good messages to distract from how horrible things are, and no giant picture of me smiling on the cover (that would probably scare away potential readers).

This is a piece on the harshest thing that we will encounter — reality. As much as people love the idea of reality dawning on them “The sleeper has awakened!”[1] style, most times reality comes to us with all the kindness and comfort of a kick to the head. A “can do” attitude is your boss’ way of trying to trick you into working harder for nothing. “Mind over matter” means nothing when matter is the ground and your mind is ignoring gravity. And — this is gonna hurt — you are not a hero with an awesome destiny. In all likelihood, you will die having done nothing significant beyond mating and reproducing.

Reality’s kicks are harsh, which is probably why people escape into science fiction, fantasy, and self-help books. I understand escaping into fiction (my bookshelf and DVD collection is evidence of this) and self-help books are not a healthy way to cope with reality. They only spout the same cliches about working hard and thinking positive, a comfort blankie for gullible losers. Self-help books are not magic fixes to reality’s problems. This piece isn’t either, but I’m upfront about it.

I present to you, reader, realities self-help books don’t discuss.

 

Con-fidence

Confidence is one of the worst traits praised in humans. The self-help salesmen claim that it’s the secret to success and use it to get people to buy their crap. It’s also the secret to their success. People listen to confidence; they like the idea of someone bold having no problems with life, ignoring that someone is taking advantage of them. Confidence is what gets a good sale. Confidence is what gets a reality TV show. Confidence is what gets followers online. Confidence is part of what got the offspring of Joffrey Baratheon and an Oompa-Loompa elected into the White House.

The fact that people follow a confident leader is part of why several cult leaders are charismatic. Members of these cults weren’t a bunch of dumbasses who would follow a pigeon if it shat on the right statue. Nope, they were ordinary people who became convinced confident leaders like Jim Jones (no relation, thank the gods), David Koresh, and Charles Manson were prophets or the fucking Messiah himself. The followers died or killed in the name of the leader while only he profited off them.

One notable, confident leader was a man named Joseph Smith. A former farm boy turned treasure hunter (he used to use a rock to tell where “treasure” was buried) and con artist, he decided to go a different route for money and power — he started a cult. He claimed that he translated some “gold plates” that he found into a book equal to the Bible. He also said God himself had ordained Joe as a prophet, so no one could question anything he did, from not having the plates (“A-uh-an angel took them away”) to sleeping with other men’s wives (“An angel with a flaming sword told me to, that’s it!”) and the mandatory tithes paid to him. Spreading the gospel — nope! Joe was a con man who wanted money, sex, and power.

Joe died in 1844, but his cult still lives to this day. The followers of his cult, still swear that Joe was a great man chosen by God, even though Family Guy showed a more accurate version of how Joe found his cult.[2] Followers think that 8 years old is old enough to be baptized in the cult, but no age is old enough to leave it. Anyone who broke the norms or left was demonized as a follower of Satan. I know, my parents are members of Joe’s cult and I was raised in it, leaving at age 20. So, beware of confident leaders — you could be fucking over yourself and future generations.

 

Attitude: Positive

People, Americans in particular, are obsessed with the idea of positivity as the cure-all for society. Be cheerful all the time, dope yourself up with antidepressants if you need to, and you’re a freak if you’re not acting like Chris fucking Traeger from Parks and Recreation. The self-help scammers hold up the positive attitude as something to be mimicked while depression and cynicism are seen as a choice. Because of that, the positive-attitude assholes are one of the big reasons for stigma against depressed and suicidal people. “Happiness is a choice!” Then who the fuck would choose depression? “Change your thoughts and you change your world!”[3] “Hi, the world here. Nothing a Homo sapiens thinks will affect me.”

The “secret” of positive thinking discourages people from realizing depression and anxiety aren’t choices — they are reactions to seeing reality as a whole. There is no appeal in seeing the bad in others and the worst in yourself, realizing that humans are essentially balding primates with smartphones, that the future is probably more of the same miserable shit as the past, and that there is no magical force that rewards people for happy thoughts.

They say insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting different results every time. If that’s true, a positive attitude is insanity plus too much caffeine. Life will suck, it’s inevitable. Slapping a stupid grin on is just facing the shit-wave of life with your mouth wide open.

 

Perspective

One counter-argument to seeing life’s shit is “that it’s all how you look at it.” And then the speaker preaches about the old glass-half-full attitude. What the fuck does the level of liquid in a glass have to do with attitude? All glasses start empty and end empty. Changing the term for the halfway mark won’t magically cause people to shit sunshine and puke rainbows.

My own idea of perspective comes from a chore I had to do as a teenager: cleaning up dog poop in the backyard at least once a week. Minesweeping for turds in the backyard, I learned that no matter what perspective you look at it from, shit stinks.

Changing perspective on life won’t make it stop sucking. Looking at life differently won’t make the reek vanish. You can either ignore the stench and become confident that a positive attitude makes shit stink less or accept the fact that shit stinks and carry on.

In the end, life’s a shitshow and we all have front-row seats. There is no escape to slip out of, no fake-relative to excuse you, no refunds for your ticket. No amount of self-help programs will make the show less shitty. All we can do is try to face life, try not to screw up too bad, and try to make it less of a shitshow for the rest of the audience if possible.

 


[1] Yes, I used a Dune reference. Yes, I am a nerd.

[2] The episode where Peter tries to homeschool Meg and Chris. One of the rare moments the show was actually funny.

[3] Actual quote by Norman Vincent Peale, the grand poohbah of positive bullshit.

About the Author

Kenshin Jones grew up in the town of Idaho Falls, Idaho. A lover of reading, he decided to pursue writing at WSU. After making the mistake of enlisting as slave labor in the US Navy, he made the mistake of becoming an English major. He does not believe in planning for the future.